This again has something to do with my quickly developing fear of writing/ fear of evaluation.
When I heard that tests for one of my electives required super-organized essays, beefy with overloading info (+ additional researched materials) coming from me, I swear I felt like preparing my own grave. My heart kept churning uncomfortably in my chest, silently telling me that I'm kinda fucked for the subject.
I know I am the worst case of scatterbrained-ness this side of the world. And to actually attempt to produce those kinds of essays (ON THE SPOT) for someone that's a bit of a terror teacher, with awfully high standards, is something close to suicide.
Why, oh why am I such a bad judge of subjects?!
******
I can't bear this. I'm terribly anxious beyond reason. I can't bear to face the prof in question tomorrow. But. But. I have to go.
I'm so worried if I could survive the subject!!!!
Posted at 11:36 pm by
rice
hmmm...
I'm in love with Schumann's Piano Sonata no.2 and Chopin's Fantaisie-Impromptu.
I know this is the aftereffects of all the Nodameness and Long Vacation things I'm still hung up on. But it has gotten to a point that when I hear it play on some mall or just somewhere as background, I squeal in fangirl delight.
I've liked classical pieces before. But not like THIS. (Well, judging from my previous addiction with Pachelbel and Bach and Escaflowne's orchestral music in high school which comes in a close second).
Must be from all that piano learning.
Posted at 02:11 am by
rice
hmmm...
sitting in the middle of a small meadow covered with short grass, pen in my right hand, writing furiously in a piece of paper like someone possessed, like someone in a kind of feverish trance.
There would be tall trees around me. All woods would be huddled in a tight circle. I would be sitting alone in the middle. And there would be no noise to disturb me there, no human noise, only the rustling of leaves and branches, the twittering conversation of birds, the soothing silence. Just as there are silence in my ears, the noise in my brain would stop too, even for just this moment.
The strong breeze would attempt to blow away that single piece of white paper. But I would hold on to it with sweaty hands. The ink would blot. Yet I would continue until the thing hangs limply in between my fingers, full from my words.
And then I would be happy.
Posted at 06:00 pm by
rice
hmmm...
She told him her greatest secret over a cup of steaming coffee, her voice slow and wispy in his ear, the words flowing out like smoke.
"You see, " she began, stealing quick looks over her shoulder, "I have this tendency to get carried away very easily."
He took a sip from his cup and eyed her. "Don't we all sometimes?" The shop was bustling with people. Small talks and the soft pattering of the rain outside permeated the cozy atmosphere.
She smiled. "Don't we all? Hmmm." Her eyes glazed over as she looked pass the glass walls, watching the droplets of rain crash into the walls, change directions, constantly being blown over and bouyed up by the strong winds.
"Why not, it could be fun."
Posted at 05:44 pm by
rice
hmmm...
Sometimes I feel that the world (or the universe?) has taken it a hobby to bully me once in a while.
This is one of those times.
I'm not exactly bullied BULLIED. No, not that harsh kind. But more along the lines of getting accidentally pushed over the ravine by the hand/s of certain random circumstances.
******
My mind is just a mind with a big blackhole in it. Many things sorta get sucked through and get lost in the process. Like general knowledge and geography. Yes. That is a plausible explanation for my lack of common sense with directions.
I'm hoping I get there tomorrow (in time or just plain getting to the place in one piece) just with my amazing powers of self-navigation.
Posted at 12:21 am by
rice
hmmm...
There is a certain offness in what seems to be my daily routine/my daily life right now.
I almost always sleep at 2 am in the morning, either struggling all night with the electronic keyboard or randomly reading a fave book to jolt my soul. Downloading and reading manga take up the rest of my time. I barely make time to read school books and review notes for my classes.
Everything's not going according to my measly plan. And I only feel alive when I'm talking to friends or when I'm eating out and indulging myself. I've been getting carried away by some unnecessary things again, aren't I?
In the middle of all these randomness, I feel I've lost something important. The phone number to the other side of myself, I guess? I'm really hoping that this isn't some existential depression thingy going on. I'd prefer being emoish and angsty about people and the world rather than questioning myself what the hell I've been doing all this time.
*****
I envy people who can focus their energies on the varied list of things they're passionate about.
I have varied interests. I am passionate about various things. But I frequently end up exhausting myself on one interest, zipping about haphazardly and recklessly across my flimsy-made subgoals. What's left of my life energy just keeps going splat on the window like a lost and wandering insect.
I have a knack for messing up my attention. It's a gift.
*****
This semester, I'm all for learning the piano. Which is a sort of excuse for neglecting to write anything decent these past few (1, 2, 3...) whatever months (and for neglecting my studies lately). I've been practicing so diligently since last week that I'm afraid I might have ended up with a Carpal Tunnel Syndrome or something.
Actually, the piano wasn't the only reason I haven't been writing thingies, even with these images in my head that begged to be written in a story or whatever.
It's teh ph34r men. A phobia has got hold of me. Now I'm paranoid about disappointing myself when I attempt to pin down the images to paper.
I feel that I might not give justice to these Godsent images.
Posted at 11:31 pm by
rice
hmmm...
I was together with a high school friend during lunch, when that question, the one that have been both asked by my father and by myself, cropped up in one of our conversations.
I wasn't really avoiding being asked that way. What was bugging me since time immemorial was the answer to the question. In these past few years I had been merely dumping unnecessary thoughts on the subject so I wouldn't always wear that agonized look of someone completely lost in life.
It was different hearing the inevitable question from another person. It felt like the words came from the world itself (or maybe even from God), asking me what the hell am I doing with my time. I'm still clueless up until now, even with all the graduating stuff being thrown at me. But still I don't want other people to worry about how I'll end up after grad. I think it would be better if I would just worry about it on my own. Hehe.
********
My almost-perfect subjects for this year's first sem turned out to be a dream after all. After I've paid for the tuition and stuff, I've just recently discovered that one of my enlisted subjects have changed sched and is obviously in conflict with my other classes.
I don't even know if it's a blessing or something rather bad (I think it's bad looking from the change mat and refund view). But I just recently realized that I never really cared that much about the subject. And I was seriously unprepared for the undertakings of the course, with me taking my last Japanese course a year ago (and by now I would've completely forgotten it).
So さようなら にほんっご ２０
I think I have to let you go *sigh*.
Posted at 09:20 pm by
rice
hmmm...
The last of my finals for this year's summer classes has been recently concluded. So there goes another one of my scorching hot, supposed-to-be-spent-in-the-beach, summer, gone to the books. As of somebody's tally (I forgot who), I still have about a week and a half of mooching around before normal classes start hounding after my back again. Fortunately, this year's summer classes were enjoyable (Psychology of Language & Cyberpsychology). Thus, that burned-out feeling that kept haunting me every year would be the least of my worries right now.
Strangely though, today felt empty (and dragging and all that boring stuff). This was supposed to be the first day of my so-called freedom from brain usage (I'm trying to preserve some serious brain power for this coming semester) and yet, with all the to-watch things lying around the house, I still got bored @_@.
Could it be? I'm only enjoying stuff if they help me procrastinate some academic deed?!
******
This year's Yaoicon starts tomorrow!!!!! Wheeee! *readies yaoi gear* *readies cash for more yaoi gear* (haha)
All I wish for is that I don't get lost on the way to the venue. Knowing my no-sense-of-direction self, it'll probably be the only obstacle in the way of my happiness.
Posted at 10:35 pm by
rice
hmmm...
The fun adventures of a metal mouth continues...
I'm trying to vent out here.
I just got my first adjustment early this morning, about two weeks after surviving my first brace-fitting day. After struggling during the first week of having braces (living with the unbearable jolts everytime I knock my teeth, eating mushy things for breakfast, lunch and dinner etc.), here I am getting familiar again with that feeling of my teeth being steadily torn from the roots.
Darn it my teeth hurt like &*^@>%< hell!!! It's not the sharp pain mostly associated with cuts or sprains or broken bones @_@. It's more like a throbbing kind of ache, consistent and very very annoying. It has gotten to the point that I've lost my appetite for the mere thought that I have to use my teeth and bear the dull pain. Arggh!!!!!
All the trouble I have to go through just to fix some weird gap in my teeth T_T.
Posted at 11:48 pm by
rice
hmmm...
There's only a number of reasons why a normally recluse person such as myself who frequently enjoys typing up some nonsense on the net has been posting a degenerating number of entries in this blog.
One reason might be a lack in net resources. Dial-ups could very well kill a germ in your mind if you've been cut off every five minutes and when almost half of your day is eaten up by nasty downloads of various stuff. Another valid reason would be that (surprise) I might have gotten a life at last (yeah right). A third plausible reason would be, yes, I might have gotten tired of writing stuff since they're crap anyways. Or maybe, my brain got melted down by papers or something.
But there's also this idea that somehow, in this point of my linear existence, a crossroad has appeared. And here I am flailing, wordless, in the midst of the fork, knowing that every articulation of my merest thoughts (& fears & uncertainties) about my future could either make or break me. I think only my father has an inkling of this creeping trepidation, engulfing me right at this moment as the last year of my schooling dawns on me. This time, I am unable to put off the future. My various ways of procrastination will never help me in this coming end.
So here I am, slowly disappearing.
Guess the reason.
*flails*
Posted at 06:53 pm by
rice
hmmm...
